Here we are. It’s my fourth Christmas post-Tom. Fourth!
How the &%$# did we get here?
I’m not one to swear, but that’s kinda what grief does to ya. Turns you into someone you’re not and don’t want to be.
Really, I’ve been doing ok this year. That’s probably in large part because I radically cut down my shopping, and we haven’t gotten our tree yet. But tomorrow, we’ll be decking the halls, and I’m already dreading it.
It’s funny because for most of the year, I am decidedly happy being single. I love Tom, and I wish to the world he were still here. However, now that he’s gone, I’m not in any particular hurry to replace him. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have another adult male in my life, but mostly, it sounds like a lot of work and a hassle.
That is, until we hit something like a birthday or holiday. Then, being single is just plain lonely. And Christmas seems to be the worst. Maybe because it’s the holiday season that lasts the longest…maybe it’s because it’s the holiday with the most memories attached.
Either way, once Christmas rolls around, you become painful aware that it is you against the world. No partner-in-crime by your side. No better half to help you endure the bad days and celebrate the good ones.
And then Christmas piles all sorts of insult onto the injury…
No one to help wrap gifts.
No one to untangle the Christmas lights.
No one to carry the tree.
No one to kiss under the mistletoe.
No one’s hand to hold while driving to Christmas parties and programs.
No one’s ear to whisper in after the kids go to bed.
No one’s smile to catch on Christmas morning.
No one to share hopes and dreams for the New Year.
No one to curl up with on a cold winter’s night.
No one to swap stories of Christmases past.
In the still of the night, when the world is blanketed with snow and Christmas memories lurk around every corner, widows everywhere lay alone in their beds reminiscing about what was…what could have been…what should have been.
With apologies to those who don’t like the word: Yes, being a widow at Christmas really sucks.
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